The Cost of Never Good Enough – Understanding Perfectionism
It began as a simple school art project. Sarah, 14, spent hours redrawing her piece, throwing out each attempt that didn’t meet her high standards. When the teacher praised her final submission, her stomach churned—not with pride, but with anxiety. They don’t know how many times I failed, she thought. Sarah’s story is more common than it seems. In our clinic, we’ve met students, professionals, and caregivers caught in the silent tug-of-war between striving for excellence and the exhausting pursuit of perfection.
Perfectionism is more than wanting to do things well—it is the relentless need to be flawless, often at the cost of mental and emotional well-being. At The Psychologist, we believe understanding this condition is the first step toward healing—anchored in awareness, strengthened by courage, and supported through love.
What Is Perfectionism?
Psychologists describe perfectionism as a multidimensional personality trait. It includes:
Self-oriented perfectionism: Holding yourself to impossibly high standards.
Socially prescribed perfectionism: Believing others expect you to be perfect.
Other-oriented perfectionism: Expecting perfection from others.
While some may see perfectionism as a motivator, research shows that unhealthy perfectionism—especially socially prescribed forms—is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, OCD, burnout, and even suicidal thoughts.
Causes and Risk Factors
Perfectionism often takes root in childhood. Children who grow up in environments with critical or overly involved parents may internalize the message: Only perfect is good enough. Academic pressure, comparison on social media, and cultural expectations in performance-driven societies like Singapore also contribute to its rise.
Signs to Look Out For
Some common indicators of unhealthy perfectionism include:
Procrastination due to fear of making mistakes
Excessive self-criticism and feelings of failure
Avoiding new tasks for fear of not excelling
Struggles with delegation or feedback
Physical signs like insomnia or chronic stress
The pursuit of perfection often masks deep feelings of shame and inadequacy, even in high-functioning individuals.
Myths and Misconceptions
Myth 1: Perfectionists are always high achievers.
Truth: Many perfectionists underperform due to fear of failure.
Myth 2: Perfectionism is the same as having high standards.
Truth: Healthy striving is flexible and realistic. Perfectionism is rigid and self-punishing.
The Impact on Mental Health
Studies have shown that perfectionistic concerns—especially worrying about mistakes or disapproval—are more strongly linked to mental health issues than striving for high standards alone. Over time, the toll of perfectionism can lead to emotional exhaustion, strained relationships, and even physical health problems.
Breaking the Cycle
There is hope. Evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help. These therapies focus on:
Restructuring self-critical thoughts
Learning to accept imperfection
Building a sense of worth beyond achievement
Support and Self-Care
Self-compassion is key: Speak to yourself as you would to a loved one.
Set realistic goals and celebrate progress, not perfection.
Connect: You are not alone. Reach out to trusted friends or professionals.
Caregivers can support by validating feelings and avoiding reinforcing the pressure to achieve.
Moving Forward with Awareness, Courage, and Love
Perfectionism may feel like a badge of honour in high-performing cultures, but it often hides silent suffering. It takes awareness to name it, courage to seek help, and love—for ourselves and each other—to heal.
If you or someone you care about relates to Sarah’s story, we’re here to support you.
